If she is boring then why did I end up with her in the first place, but I did anyways. Could have been anything, maybe I was as boring, socially awkward or plain demented. Regardless I have recently climbed the echelons of awesomeness and am no longer subject to the dictates of ho hum dullard. Now if you are feeling guilty at all, get it out of your system now, guys are naturally poor at dumping girlfriends, let alone under the pretext of boredom. But this always hasn’t been so. I mean you are a Lion and your pride should be a harem of women who have submitted to your awesome mane. Enough pep talks now let’s get to the basics. Women don’t like to be dumped; they can be a source of great discomfort if you manage to pull it off. She will make a demon out of you, and you stand a great chance of losing friends solely based on hearsay. So basically the trick is to make her do it for you. Here are a few ways how to dump your boring girlfriend.
6. Out and Out Gentleman:
This one is not easy, you may have to shell out some cash and deal with some real tears. But it’s going to make you leave the table with your dignity and pride. Take your GF for a dinner to the classiest joint in town, order some caviar and pour some Dom Perignon (that’s a champagne). Wait for her to ask you “What are we celebrating?” Ask her to wait for the right moment. Get her something nice. Use your judgment to choose the right timing and let her know what you wanted to tell her. It’s going to break her heart, but at least she will have the Champagne to wash her sorrow away.
Plus Side: You the Man !!!!
Downside: Bloody bottle of Dom is gonna burn a 250$ hole in your pocket, but you don’t care cause YOU THE MAN!
5. Lose yourself – Only Temporarily:
Now you have to decide how you wanna do this as in at what level. First of all get a ponch, speak with a little beat of lisp and often about arbitrary things, stop dressing sharply, burp and fart more often, stay in with beat up excuses. Well honestly you know what, considering the great bore that she is you might wanna take it a step further. Get a pair of man boobs, dress like a hobo (get Size S if you are an L, XL if you are an S and make sure they are stained with mustard, ketchup etc.), talk with food in your mouth, always have food in your mouth, stop taking a bath and cuddle her only when you smell, most of all be rude and insulting especially towards her family.
Plus Side: You get to eat, drink lots of beer, eat some more, not care a squat about how you look and let air pass out of every crevice in your body.
Downside: Getting back in shape might be tedious. Looks are important in other fronts like office and at the club so that might be a little difficult to explain as well.
4. Use of Electronic Communication Devices:
Well not the most gentlemanly but at least you are being straight up and letting her know what you think. On the low meter texting is the lowest followed by voicemail and last comes calling. Avoid Skype, its as good as calling and you probably don’t want to see her in tears only hear them.
Plus Side: If she starts to bore you in the dumping process at least you can hang up.
Downside: Considering you are not inconsiderate you would not want to hear “At least have the balls to say it my face ASSHOLE.”
3. Go Berserk on her FB Page:
Public humiliation is almost a sure shot way to ensure your GF breaks up with you. What better way than to do it on her FB page. Say the nastiest thing possible and all in CAPS, use a lot of exclamation marks (!!!! ) and throw in a couple of “ @#$! “. Basically just destroy her online. Make sure you use the cliché words like bitch, whore, ugly, fat etc. etc. All of this without any provocation or warning, will definitely earn you the demented status and she will leave you, then again you were demented anyways for seeing that boring woman.
Plus Side: It will be a while before anyone tries to connect to you over FB, so all that time you waste on FB can be used productively elsewhere.
Downside: You will have to make a new FB id and probably new friends too. If you are looking for a rebound then a mail ordered East European is your best bet.
This is number two on the low meter but the most widely prescribed technique. Cheating comes very naturally to men whether it’s in the gym or the examination hall. Relationships are no different. No self-respecting woman no matter how boring will cope well with the fact that you had an intercourse with another woman. But is a de facto deal breaker. A gruesome fight with some sledging and even physical violence may ensue but it’s all worth it if you can squeeze out of the tedium of being with your boring GF.
Plus Side: Sex!!
Downside: No woman who knows what you did will get involved with you romantically. Guilt will be a burden.
This is really low and unmanly but really effective in terms of convenience. You cannot just fade out of a relationship without your partner noticing and thus begin the fireworks (arguments, bickering, finger pointing). The trick is to simply disappear, stop answering her calls, change the house lock, don’t hang out at any of the places you usually do, deactivate your FB, and stop all communications with any common friend you have. Hell if possible plan this thing out and get a job in a different city and just make a move overnight. All this sounds impossible but its been done and quite effectively. If she is living in with you then you will definitely have to plan it whenever she goes to her parents or some trip etc. If she has access to your house then you might have to stay someplace else yourself. But you also have to ensure she knows you are avoiding her. Two to three weeks of this and trust me you are out!
Plus Side: Effective and hassle free (maybe not logistically but definitely emotionally).
Downside: Your reputation will go for a toss, and any chances of a patch up will be very slim. But I guess if she is that boring it’s worth it.
BONUS METHOD: This is a technique my cousin used to break up with his high school sweetheart (dumb and boring as shit). He called up her father and told him that he was a very poor student who had come to the city to study on scholarship and that his daughter was constantly bothering him for love. The girl’s father — a conservative catholic — got her school changed and he never heard from her again.. !!!