They never hesitate gorging down chicken on Tuesdays. They never bother fasting to ensure a worthy life-partner. They don’t adorn amulets to keep bad luck at bay. To summarise, if you are an atheist, you’ve never lived life on anyone’s terms but yours. You are, and proudly so, the creator of your own fate.
Unless probability decides that it’s your day to be doomed, the unlikely and unfortunate happens to everybody once in a while. Difference is, unlike them, you can’t blame the stars. While other people can get some relief by swearing – “Oh God! Why me?”, you stand there, hoping desperately that for once in your life your good deeds get rewarded, that somebody who keeps score, listens to your inner screams of – ‘Please!’, and sets you out of your misery.
In case you didn’t realise, that’s a prayer. A fully fledged, purely religious, God-addressing, high-priority prayer. We are not blaming you. There are instances in life when everyone wishes for a little help. If necessity is the mother of invention, then desperation surely is the father of religion.
Here are a few of those desperate situations where you wished you had supernatural support –
1. When nature calls in a public place and you can’t find a restroom.
Diarrhoea is a bitch.
2. When your favourite show is about to start and the cable/electricity goes.
Anybody just fix this. Right now, please.
3. When you are walking at night through a street echoing with barks and howls.
Ghosts may not bother the least of us, but stray dogs are not a joke.
4. When you find out that your exam results are coming out today.
You’ve not lived a complete student life if you didn’t do this.
5. When you look like a hobo and are passing by your crush’s house.
It’s time to leave the country, or the planet.
6. When you are dressed in your best and no one’s outside to watch you.
7. When you realise you accidentally left your Facebook account open in your friend’s computer.
Next time you log in, you’ll find out you are gay.
8. When your dad starts checking your phone or laptop.
Now would be a great time to start repenting your sins.
9. When you are a politician.
Let’s just leave it at that.
10. When you are travelling in a new place and phone battery is about to die.
How will I take selfies now?!
11. When it seems like your favourite character in a TV show is going to die.
12. When you are sitting in the examination hall and don’t know a single answer.
13. When you are at restaurant and drop gravy on your pants.
And it’s time to get up.
14. When it’s an India-Pakistan match and it starts raining.
15. When the teacher asks a question in class and is looking for someone to answer.
Must not… make eye contact.
16. When you fall desperately in love with your crush.
Just make me forget!
17. When you are in a train that keeps getting more and more delayed.
18. When you are in a crowded place and suddenly can’t feel your phone in your pocket.
Holy shit! Yes shit, but holy.
19. When it’s summer, you are at a party and your armpits sweat like an oil spill.
Why am I like this?