I’ve always marvelled at how real, how absolutely comfortable, international celebrities seem on camera. Just as I’ve always wondered why our stars seem compelled to fake it in front of a camera. Indian actors always seem to come off as fake whenever they’re being interviewed or photographed. Which is ironic really, given that they spend more time on-camera than off it. You’d think they will have gotten comfortable by now. Alas! That doesn’t seem to have happened.
Here are some Bollywood actors who made me want to die as they made colossal asses of themselves.
The woman broke every record when she started spewing this bizarre accent the second she sat facing Oprah’s camera. Every time she opened her mouth, I found myself wondering if she’d been possessed by some firangi spirit. To be fair, Aishwarya has the uncanny ability to look fake even when she isn’t talking. But this was beyond fake. Don’t believe me? See for yourself!
I went through hundreds of her pictures and here’s the conclusion I draw from it: Aishwarya Rai’s best pictures are those that were taken during a photo shoot or something. She can look pretty good, but only in rehearsed moments. Her impromptu, spur-of-the-moment pictures make her look less than human, somehow.
The problem with Indian audiences is that they think getting Hollywood roles makes one a great actor. A shrewd business person, sure. Great actor, no! Priyanka Chopra has done some truly phenomenal work. In Bollywood. Think ‘Barfi’, ‘7 Khoon Maaf’, and even ‘Aitraaz’.
Her Hollywood stint looks to me like just so much gas. She ain’t even trying, really! Not to mention, ‘Quantico’ is a Hollywood series in name only. It’s written and shot like a Hindi serial with firangi actors. And that is quite literally the only nice-ish thing I can say about it.
Like that wasn’t bad enough, she has taken to being unbelievably fake every time she faces a camera. Look at these pictures and you’ll see what I mean.
I’m gonna go ahead and say it — this man has lost his marbles. I do believe he’s played one too many nutso characters in his movies. And given that everyone keeps saying he’s the only method actor in India, I think he went over to the dark side whilst rehearsing for one of his crazy roles. Now that’s all he is, freaking insane.
Just look at the man. Look at his expressions and you’ll find you agree with my assessment. On a serious, supposedly hard-hitting show like ‘Satyamev Jayate’ he decides to make bizarre faces at his guest speakers and roll his eyes at them. I’m telling you, he’s gone batshit crazy, this man.
People keep raving about him, but I’ve always thought he’s the biggest ham in the Indian film industry. And hams do really fucking well in Bollywood. I mean, look at Amitabh, Shah Rukh, Salman, and so on and so forth. Anyway, my problem with the man is that he seems to me to be an undignified asshole. There is something very very wrong with the Bachchan family, believe you me!
Anyway, back to Big B. Watch his interviews, there’s a disconnect between his words and his expressions. His eyes look dead, and his words sound hollow. It’s no wonder his father was ashamed of him. I’m unrelated to the bugger and it makes my skin crawl that he represents my country and my people for even a second. Eurgh!
He is single-handedly responsible for my belief that Bollywood actors should not be asked to host television programs. They are too self-involved and egomaniacal. They need for everything to be about them. And game shows and talk shows are really about the participants and guests. So idiots like him can’t handle that shit and end up making colossal fools of themselves. Amitabh calls the computer “Computerji” and the countdown timer “Ghadiyal Babu” and “Shreemati Tiktiki” for crying out loud! What does that even mean?!!
Every time a new participant comes along and sings long-winded praises of him, Big B looks ready to burst with self-congratulatory pride. There’s an endless charade of humility and embarrassment, of course, but there it is again, that disconnect between words and expressions.
And on that note, I shall pause this tirade against ham actors who have nary a moment where they’re just regular people. People who happen to be famous, even if it is for all the wrong reasons. They ham their way through life — on screen and off — and people continue to worship them regardless. What a freaking pity!