Yes, bongs girls are intense, thoughtful and full of self proclaimed intelligence, but don’t you dare forget, they are an opinionated and argumentative bunch too! So, if you feel a Bong girl is a must have in your kitty or trophy show case, here’s your checklist.
She loves to read and if you haven’t read all the books of her favourite author printed under the sun, you stand no chance with her! And be careful to learn each quote by heart because to her mistaking a quote of her favourite author is tantamount to the most heinous crime.
2. Going wrong with grammar
She is a grammar Nazi and will judge your personality on basis of how well you speak a language. Bad grammar=no chance with her!
3. Not being a foodie
Her pastimes include reading, writing and eating. Hence, if you do not share these interests, she always has Debojyotis, Aritras, Rajarshis and Sayantans from her ‘para’ to hang out with. P.S: She may not break up with you, but get ready for a lifetime of frivolous insinuations if you do not share her passion for ‘biriyani’, ‘mangsho’ or ‘phuchka’.
4. Not adhering to her ‘brand of feminism’
Each Bong woman has her own notion of feminism which ranges from quarelling for an inch of a metro seat to not getting a free phuchka at the end of each round. Now, it’s up to you whether you want to stick to the standard academic notions of feminism or lose her to the Jhola carrying Dada in her friend list.
5. Not appreciating her voice or the verses she pens
Given the poor gender index of the nation, almost every Bong girl is the lead female vocalist of some or the other band, even if she sounds like a hyena’s squeal!! You may have a sense of rhythm or melody but do you have the guts of facing the gang of superbly ‘aesthetic likers’ she has online?
6. Failing to understand that she can never go wrong with her wardrobe
For all her 20s and 30s, she feels wearing obnoxiously Gordy danglers and bindis with western dresses makes her amazingly empowered and liberated; and then, in her 40s and 50s, sleeveless blouses with oozing love handles become her fashion statement. And please remember, only misogynists who might as well be potential rapists believe in the patriarchal framework of fashion! Do you want your name with screenshots of your conversations to be made a spectrum among thousands of people with these labels?
7. Not knowing to balance your attention among the different important women in your life
Every Bong girl detests her boyfriend’s (or husband’s) mother for over-pampering her son and being poky or over possessive, but she surprisingly ends up being the same towards her love and, eventually, her issue. So, who becomes the victim of this power sea-saw? You, of course!
8. Not being the replica of her ‘baba’
Pot bellied. Check. dye induced unnaturally black hair and moustaches. Check. often clad in gunjees and lungis or ill fitting tees and color worned shorts. Check. A weird sense of ‘coolness’ (ranging from awkward jokes bordering on the thin line between veg and non veg, when drunk and a ‘know it all’ demeanour when sober). Check. But he is his ‘mamoni’s’ hero and thus the yardstick of your score card.
9. Not knowing Rabindranath, Ritwik Ghatak, Rituporno Ghosh, Kabir Suman, Arnob or Satyajit Ray is okay. But you cannot afford not to know Bankim Chandra, Sarat Chandra, Kazi Najrul Islam or Lalon Fakir.
She knows her culture and literature well (and is likely to expect you to do the same, so that conversations can be intellectually stimulating) but only that much which has been trending or adopted by the latest sensations. Never dare challenge her though, as she would finish reading the hitherto unread works before you can even complete speaking!
10. Making her realize the thin line between being ‘opinionated’ and being ‘judgmental’
There are three categories of Bong women. First, the kurta clad, bespectacled, cigar smoking wannabe ‘antel’, the second the shorts clad, body pierced hyperactive girl who is into weed, casual sex and polyandrous escapades and the third, dupatta draped, nighty clad ‘boudi’ in the making. And each category considers its lifestyle to be the most liberating and empowered and is full of opinions and fiercely judgmental of the other(s). Now remind her of her words of ‘every woman being special in her own way and judging her is outrageous’ from the initial days of your courtship, at your own risk!
11. Not recognizing the English language as her superpower
Be it a cat fight for an inch of a metro seat or when the taxi wala demands more than the recorded fare or when the maid denies the days of her absence in the month end or even in a ‘para’ strife, she slips into her finest English, perhaps thinking it will give her an upper hand in the argument. Sadly, the numerous retorts of “akdom Ingreji dyakhaben na!” haven’t been adequate to breath sense into her. So, you shouldn’t try too!
12. And ultimately explaining her that she looks like a zombie with dark circles instead of a ‘kajol noyona horini’ with those disturbingly thick kohl lined eyes.
Kohl is a beauty statement to her and she firmly believes the thicker the kohl line, the smarter she looks!
To all those men, who believe they absolutely HAVE TO date a Bong woman simply to boost their esteems in their social circles: What conceptions of relationships do you have? How screwed exactly are you that you give emphasis to racist attributes such as Punjabi oomph, Tamilian sensuality or Bong brains? Are women merely trophies who need to fit into generalizations and typecasts to be showed off, by you?
To those Bengali women who enjoy being called Bong: Is it too late to shun the Bong culture and retreat to the glory of being a ‘Bangali’?