By now, I assume all of you have watched Dil Dhadakne Do.
If not in theatres, then on pirated copies, or online websites where the clarity is marginally better than amateur Mallu porn videos. So you will all agree that Dil Dhadakne Do is just another film about rich kids solving their problems by doing rich stuff – like going on a trip somewhere, or mouthing lines of poetry. It’s interesting and novel – because for most of us middle class guys, problems were solved when parents thrashed the hell out of the children, and all was well.
But anyway, I can’t blame Farhan Akhtar for that. A filmmaker will only make the films that are based on the environment that he/she grew up in. Which is why all his films are about Mumbai lads who dress up like guys 15 years younger to themselves and solve each other’s first world problems by mouthing poems written by Javed Akhtar. I have no problem with that. That is also the reason why Anurag Kashyap makes films about UP, Bihar – about coal mafia, gangsters, and realistic, gritty films that would make an actual gangster take a loo break to take some minutes off from the gratuitous violence.
But what if Anurag Kashyap had made ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’?
It is rather difficult to imagine. Anurag Kashyap, the man the media has made the face of indie cinema, making a proper Bollywood popcorn rom-com for multiplex audiences to consume. Yet, I have embarked on that treacherous journey to find out what it’d be like.
So, here is how Dil Dhadakne Do would look like, if Anurag Kashyap directed the film.
(Those of you who are wondering why Farhan Akhtar isn’t in the cast – seriously? Have you even seen his films? Is there a scope for a liberal, cool, forward thinking character in Anurag Kahsyap’s films?)
Munna Makkhan sets out on a cruise. He plans to travel across the globe to settle all the debts that smugglers around the world owe him.
When he realizes that his family is crumbling, he decides to take them along on the cruise, without realizing the repercussions of the decision.
As the family gets comfortable on the cruise, Munna Makkhan takes off his suit, puts on scuba gear and dives into the water to hunt for sharks. (There’s a shot of Munna’s face in the blood-red water in the sea. The song starts playing – ‘Killing a shark, is a walk in the park. Dhiskyaon dhishkyaon‘).
Things are going smooth on the cruise – Diameter has had sex with the captain’s wife, and is now flirting with the chairs and benches. Lolita finds an 89-year-old man celebrating his birthday and knocks on his door at 11:50 PM. However, Bijli Begum is sad. All her life, she has been trying to kill people to impress Munna, but somehow he never gives her any credit or affection. He seems besotted by younger girls who serve him beer and biriyani at his bar.
Diameter falls for Chameli and grabs her in the middle of the show and takes her backstage. There, he tears her clothes off and makes lust to her.
Munna hears of his son’s exploits and is miffed at him. ‘You shouldn’t be doing stuff like this, beta,’ he says, ‘I should’. Diameter glares at his father and leaves the room.
What follows is a 60s song remade in HD color, shot in slow-mo as blood, bullets, and panties fly off the stage. Just for the heck of it.
On the third day of the cruise, Munna Makkhan finds Chameli and forces himself on her. Chameli jumps off the ship, but not before she has chopped off one of Munna’s hands in the struggle. When Diameter hears of this, he cuts off his own hand, and inserts a machine gun in its place. He also shaves his head and paints it purple, and then walks up to Munna Makkhan’s room and challenges him to a duel.
Munna Makkhan is angry, and this leads to the climax, where:
Munna brings out his guns and begins shooting.
He shoots his son.
He shoots his wife.
He shoots his daughter.
He shoots the captain.
He shoots the bloody dog.
He shoots the captain of the ship.
He shoots the rest of the people.
He shoots the cameraman.
And then the director.
In the last shot, we see Munna Makkhan fall flat on the deck, his body bloody. The camera zooms in to his face, as he whispers the words – ‘Picture khatam ho gayi hai. Ab ghar jao, beh****od!’
**** THE END ****