Here are some things that you must NOT do in Mumbai if you want to survive the city of dreams.
1. Buy a car:
The traffic of Mumbai will make you get out of your car and start beating your head on the bonnet. So don’t get a car and instead use the awesome public transport services of Mumbai.
2. Get inside a female compartment in a local train:
Never ever get inside a female compartment of a local train, even by mistake. Women will ask questions after beating you up. They’ll hand you over to the station master or even the police. You’ll be bruised, beaten and humiliated even before the police get their hands on you.
3. Carry your wallet in the back pocket:
There are pickpockets everywhere in Mumbai. They like to call themselves opportunists. Don’t give them the opportunity by carrying your wallet in the back pocket especially in crowded areas.
4. Argue with a fisherwoman:
Never argue with the local Koli fisherwomen. You’ll regret it. Don’t argue with auto wallahs either. Also don’t argue with taxi wallahs, bus conductors and basically any locals.
5. Call a Marathi guy “Bhaiya”:
Never address a Marathi guy as bhaiya. That’s the term reserved for the men of UP and Bihar and we all know how much love has been lost between the two groups in Mumbai.
6. Call a cop “Pandu”:
This is fairly obvious. You want to avoid the cops on principle as it is. Don’t go ahead and take them on by calling someone Pandu.
7. Look smart while visiting Chor Bazaar:
If you want to get a bargain you should visit Chor Bazaar, but don’t go there wearing fancy clothes or the whole purpose will be defeated.
8. Tease a Hijra:
Never ever tease or argue with a hijra in a train or on the street. They travel in groups and are not embarrassed to do anything. You don’t want to take them on.
9. Listen to anyone’s sob story:
In Mumbai many people will want to tell you their sob story. Taxi drivers, auto wallahs, random people on the street, all will try to get some money out of you by telling you about their problems. It’s a new way of begging/conning. Don’t fall for it.
10. Hang out of a train:
Don’t think of hanging on the side of the train just because it is full. You can die by hitting a pole on the way. Instead wait for the next train.
11. Try to hang out at an Irani Café:
The Irani café’s are not like Barista and CCD where you can order one coffee and then chill out for a few hours. Try staying for a little while extra after your tea is consumed and the Bawa will shout at you till you leave.
12. Wear fancy footwear to SiddhiVinayak or Mahalaxmi Temple:
Unless you want to donate your footwear, don’t go to the crowded temples. If you go, wear simple slippers that you won’t miss if they are stolen (which they probably will).
13. Try to violate a Shiv Sena Bandh:
Never try to go out during a Shiv Sena bandh unless you want to get beaten up.
14. Give 100 Rupees to a bus conductor:
Always keep change ready for travelling in the bus. If you give a 100 rupees note, the conductor won’t return your balance till the last stop. You’ll have to literally beg him to give your money back.
15. Gamble on cards on the sidewalk:
The card games on the sidewalks are all tricked so you can never win. Those who win are just for show and are part of the whole con.
16. Stand in front of a superstar’s house:
You won’t see anyone and instead just look like a fool yourself. If you see someone, it will be disappointing to see how they look in real life.
17. Call Mumbai Bombay:
The name’s changed back to the original name and no body likes to hear the old name anymore.
18. Be nice to people while getting off a train:
While getting off a train, if you are nice and gentle then people coming in will push you back and won’t let you get off. The right of way is yours and you’ll have to claim it so don’t be afraid to push, shove or even punch people till you get off the train.