‘Quantico’ Really Isn’t All It’s Made Out To Be

Hollywood has a crackerjack marketing team. They’ve figured out that all they have to do to make a show work, is throw in an Indian and they’ve got the attention of a massive, and I mean gifreakingnormous, audience pool. Well, you’ve gotta hand it to them – they know their shit!



Enter ‘Quantico’ – a sub par show with a predictable storyline and almost lazy performances by B-grade Hollywood wannabes. Anybody, and I mean anybody, would shine in this otherwise mediocre “star cast”. I’m not saying Priyanka Chopra is terrible, I’m saying ‘Quantico’ most definitely is.


The storyline has been dumbed-down for mass appeal, so every episode is predictable to the point of being boring. Yawn! The story doesn’t budge one episode to the next. You learn nothing about the issue at hand – the bombing. You do, however, get useless information about every character’s mundane life thus far. So they have skeletons in their closets? Big deal! I wanna know who did it. Give me clues, or something along those lines, not this unending jibber jabber about these nameless fucks.

I’d wager you’ll find out everything you need to know if you watch two episodes – the first and the last. The rest is all frills and bullshit really.

Moving on. That boy toy they’ve picked for her is a walking disaster magnet. The man gets shot at the drop of a hat. It’s almost amusingly pro-feminism, really – big, macho boyfriend turns into a constant liability for a terror-attack-suspect on the run. So when she should be looking to save herself, PC is forced to save him instead. I’m surprised Indian men haven’t noticed this repeated emasculation. I’m betting they’d be up in arms about it, if they had.



They just had to have two women fighting for the affections of said boy toy, of course. It’s like a Bollywood movie this, except longer and with no comic relief. There isn’t even the odd song to break the monotony of it all. Le sigh!


If the FBI really is “all that”, how is it that every last one of the 50-odd Quantico recruits seems to have such a shady background? I thought they were very particular about background checks and such, these FBI suits. Meh! Whaddayaknow!

The writers have thrown in just enough Muslim names and/or Islamic connections among the Quantico recruits to make one’s skin crawl. If one isn’t a raging racist, that is. Yes, let’s keep hinting that the Muslim twins did it, or the pseudo-gay Jewish boy who spent time in Gaza did it, or the Arabic-speaking rich girl who keeps getting calls from Saudi Arabia did it. We get it. Terrorist attack equals Islamic involvement. India has been propagating that same bullshit stereotype for decades now, thank you very much.

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The dialogue is as lame as the script is shoddy. Nobody talks like that. Nobody, anywhere, talks like that. We’re Indians, not idiots. They could’ve put in a little effort into the dialogue writing, given that they didn’t bother much with casting, script, direction, stylists, or anything else really. Is it too much to ask to have dialogues that don’t put you in a coma?

This isn’t your edge-of-the-seat drama, the actors are nobodies from God knows where (except, of course, Piggy Chops. She be from India and don’t let’s forget that!). Maybe, just maybe, they could’ve spent more time and money on the look of the show. Admit it, we’re all about judging books by covers – we like good looking shit – us Indians. Even if it is shit, this show, they could’ve made it look better.

And all this brouhaha about a People’s Choice Award – it’s an award decided on the basis of online voting, we’re the second largest population in the world, do the math! Is it really any wonder she won?!!


The entire premise of the show is an absolute replica of Season 3 of ‘The Blacklist’ – FBI agent on the run for suspected terrorist activity, trying to prove her innocence by slowly convincing her old comrades that she’s being framed. This is where one is compelled to ask, “Who wore it better?” and the answer is, ‘The Blacklist’, by a landslide. I mean, they’ve got James Spader for starters. And a plotline. And a budget. ‘Quantico’ lacks all that and more.

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So, like I said, ‘Quantico’ really ain’t all it’s made out to be.


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