WTF Is Vegetarian Masterchef?

I am a firm believer in the fact that Indian television has nothing to offer, if you have an IQ above 50.

Which is why I have always been a passive consumer of reality shows. I know most of them are fake, or stupid, but they give you something to watch, even if from a distance. Which is one reason I watch Bigg Boss every single year. Watching Bigg Boss makes you feel good about your own life.

TV shows

And so while flipping through entertainment channels, I found the new season of Masterchef – and guess what, it is a vegetarian show this time around!!

Amidst state governments deciding what meat can be eaten, which animals are greater than others, and bans being imposed, this takes bullshit cowdung to a new level. It is no surprise that the biggest sponsors of the show are two ati-sanskari conglomerates – Amul and Adani.


I love how Indian television buys rights to foreign shows, and screws them up beyond recognition.

Indian Idol has been reduced to the So You Think You Can Piss Off Anu Malik?  show. Jhalak Dikhlaja is constantly followed by people who haven’t gotten over their Madhuri Dixit fascination.

And the same goes for other reality shows as well. The Swayamvars are so absurd, even Sidhu froths in the mouth when he sees them. Roaadies and Splitsvilla have a steady fan following in the Teenagers With Disturbances audience group.

Masterchef is another show to add to the list.

The previous editions were hosted by judges who had the screen presence of garden lizards. The episodes had the predictability of a rape scene in an 80s Kannada movie, the hosts had no charm whatsoever, and finally the shows had to fall back on the old Indian trick of family sentiments and emotions to pull in whatever TRPs  they could salvage.

Television show

This year, they also added to the show the face of Indian cooking. The one name men of India drop when the culinary skills of their gender are questioned – Sanjeev Kapoor. Sanjeev Kapoor has been doing culinary shows in India since the day Lord Mountbatten signed the Freedom pact and Nehru looked longingly at Edwina Mountbatten one last time.

Like Abhimanyu, I heard Sanjeev Kapoor’s show when I was in my mother’s womb. Like Abhimanyu, I only picked up half the treatise, so I just do the dishes these days.

Sanjeev Kapoor looks bored out of his mind. The man has hosted shows, judged contests, and smiled his way through asinine dishes like Alu Chokha. He has sold cooking oil, pressure cookers, detergent powders, masala, crockery, sanskaar – now he looks like he’s given up.

TV show

This year, things reached an absurd level with the declaration that it was to be a completely vegetarian show. When people wrote about it on the internet, vegetarians were quick to pounce on them with a few utterly original points.

  1. India is a nation of vegetarians.
  2. Vegetarianism is Indian culture.
  3. We must adopt vegetarianism in order to lead a healthy life.
Well, most vegetarians are vegetarians simply because they are born in vegetarian families. They haven’t questioned their beliefs or anything, but they’ll support their fundamental beliefs using phony science and bullshit philosophy.

Firstly, India was never a vegetarian country. The epics speak in abundance about meat, and we have had a long history of non-vegetarianism. So it certainly isn’t Indian culture. Also, the same vegetarians who crib about their phony logic will resort to fish and eggs ‘because a doctor told them to, when they got jaundice/typhoid/common cold/a stroke of common sense’. So much for being a healthy option!

I don’t understand why vegetarians have to be so aggressive about Indian culture and its purported relation with vegetarianism. Relax. It’s a 3000 year old civilization. A little Chilly Chicken is not going to tarnish it in any way.

And since the show is sponsored by Amul, the contestants have to use only Amul products. Dafak sort of logic is that? What’s next? The show is sponsored by Jockey so everybody cooks in their undies?!?

Masterchef, and Michelin stars that are accorded, are given for innovation in cooking, in elevating cooking to an amalgamation of art and science, by mixing ingredients and experimenting.

When you organize a vegetarian show, what innovation can you expect?

Watch the show, and you’ll realize that all the items look like each other. A special revolves around ‘chaat’. Seriously? The other specials include different innovations of poha and khichdi.

Vegetarian show

The show completed its run yesterday, and I would rather watch reruns of Chhota Bheem than be subjected to it. For at the end of the day, the entire show seemed like Veg Thali from Maa Santoshi Dhaba – bland, predictable, and leaving a bad taste in your mouth.


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