10 Reasons Why You Don’t See Muslim Women On The Internet

4:23 pm 17 Nov, 2014

We recently did an article on Muslim Women. We had high hopes from the article – it will reach the far corners of earth, and thousands upon thousands of people will share the link, and we will be famous. Didn’t happen.

This could be because of a number of reasons.

1. They are busy making babies.

Muslim women are doing a far greater deed and service for the world than wasting their time on the internet. They are singlehandedly making the Muslim population grow by popping out, on average, 9 babies per family.

Emilio Morenatti/AP

Image Source: Emilio Morenatti/AP
Kitnay bachche the?

2. Roti Science.

In our desi part of the world, something else that they are busy with, is doing “Science.”It really is no easy task trying to perfect the ergonomics of the round roti, just so they can please their potential mother-in-laws. Throw away the medical degree, it’s the roti that counts.

Roti Science

Magic happens when Roti meets Science.

3. It’s the hijab.

You think putting on a hijab is just like pulling on a sweater? No! It’s an art – a beautiful art that takes time. Do you know how many pins it takes to get the exact light layers to flow just right, and how much stuffing is needed to get the exact height of the camel hump? No, you don’t. It takes hours!

THIS! One day! Mashallah. Inshallah.

Image Source: islamismywayoflifee.blogspot.in
THIS! One day! Mashallah. Inshallah.

4. No internet for you.

There are some muslim women who can’t have internet access because they actually physically can’t. Take the case of Saudi Arabia. There is a huge female population who can’t move an inch without a male keeper. Each and every one of them would have to wait for a mehramto actually get them the darned internetconnection. It’s not like they can drive off to any mall, stroll into any shop and ask the salesman themselves.  They’d be whacked on the legs with a stick quicker than they can say internet. But hey, at least, women will be allowed to finally vote in 2015.  Who needs the internet after that!

Well, oops then.

Image Source: marthastewardess.com
Well, oops then.

5. Indonesian internet: For lazy men’s eyes only.

When it comes to Indonesia, it’s a whole different story. Women do pretty much all the work. You mostly see males of all ages lazying about smoking on the streets, outside of malls, on the roads, anywhere and everywhere just smoking and literally doing nothing. The women on the other hand are seen working, in the shops, in offices, tea gardens, etc. The men are so lazy there that they won’t even get the cigarettes themselves. Ok, that they might do. But keeping that in mind, I don’t think the women actually have that much time to spend on the Internet.

I did say males of ALL ages smoke.

GIF Source: gifsoup.com
I did say males of ALL ages smoke.

6. In Iran, very little i******t.

In Iran, I am sure there would be more, but with more than three-fourth of the websites blocked, who’d want to be on the internet there any way. There is only so much of Hassan Rouhani and the fatwa-happy clerics one can take.

I like you. My Basij kill you last.

Image Source: AP
I like you. My Basij kill you last.

7. The Lebanese have dumped the internet for plastic surgery.

War-torn exotic Lebanon. Highly educated or not, working or not, the main aim of most of the women there is to get a good husband and to build a family. To attract them, one has to be beautiful. We aren’t talking about inner beauty; we are talking about the perfectly-arched eyebrows, the poutiest mouth, the slimmest of thighs, the teeny waist and what not. There IS a reason why Lebanon is called the Mecca of Plastic Surgery. The only use of the internet for women there is more than likely to find out about plastic surgeons and about the loan schemes. Yes, loan schemes. The banks in Lebanon offer loans to women to get Plastic Surgery done.

Read that again. Banks. Loans.

 

With results like this, I think I might go for it too.

With results like this, I think I might go for it too.

By nine, girls have already started making plans to get surgery to get rid of the unwanted baby fat on their thighs. Yes, no internet time. Only time to get plastic injected and fat squished out.

Then again.

Image Source: thatsmags.com
Then again.

8. Afghanistan has just recently heard about the internet.

In Afghanistan, only about 5.9% of the population has access to the internet. I don’t know how many of them are women, but they would probably be stoned to death just for making a random Facebook friend. Best to stay away completely.

Don’t do it! It’s not worth it, girl.

Image Source: Reuters
Don’t do it! It’s not worth it, girl.

9. In Saudi Arabia, the sea of internet is a man.

I have to mention Saudi Arabia again. With their mighty cleric declaring a fatwa that the ocean is a male and women who go swimming in it have committed adultery, I am guessing that the internet would also be a male. I don’t see the logic here exactly, but I am pretty sure if the said cleric sees women typing on the keyboard, his beard will fall off after his eyes pop out of their sockets. Again, it’s best to keep one’s neck intact here and avoid the macho manly internet completely. Now you know why there aren’t that many Muslim women on the Internet. Because of men!

Pretty, uncovered female hands on male keyboard on male internet.

Image Source: hlntv.com
Pretty, uncovered female hands on male keyboard on male internet.

10. So, you want to study in college? How cute.

The wise guys at the Aligarh Muslim University (AMU), one of India’s leading public universities, have banned the women students from access to the library. A prominent university stops women from reading, in a country that has already imagined itself to be the new superpower, because if the women go to the library they will, you know, like “attract boys.”

So, yeah, they will be on the internet once they can get their library cards back.

 

Image Source: anjumnaim55

Image Source: anjumnaim55
AMU girls waiting for their library cards.

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