The internet is a beautiful thing. It gave us Youtube, WhatsApp, memes and cat videos. It also gave us something far more important: A platform. A platform to discuss everything from the state of the world economy to the raging debate over which of Salman Khan’s banyans
has the tightest fit. This platform gave rise to a new generation of armchair intellectuals who use the internet to (angrily) express their opinions on every single issue under the sun. Online debates these days are the ‘in’ thing and everybody wants a piece of everybody else in them. In this article, we take a look 7 at types of people commonly found in online arguments.
1. The angry liberal
The angry liberal is young, educated, conscientious and has a strong (and often misguided) sense of morality. They are all for ‘equality’, although many of them do not understand what the term really means. They are also extreme pacifists, and probably would not rise to a confrontation even if it came and set fire to their rear end. They blame conservatism for everything wrong with the world, from global warming to Candy Crush. Favorite pass times include sharing the Kony video, burning conservative effigies and making ‘isme RSS ka haath hai
‘ trolls. Battle cry:
Peace and prosperity, uh, prosperity. Allies:
Feminists and Communists Pet peeves:
Economic inequality, patriarchy and chauvinism Favorite rant:
Fascism. Fascism everywhere! Caption
2. The angry conservative
The angry conservative is also young and educated. They too have a strong sense of ‘morality’, however, the cruel world misunderstands them and terms this morality as ‘extremism’ and ‘persecution’. They are proactive aggressors and would happily invade another country if it meant gaining two square miles of land at the cost of a million lives. They do not want equality, and do not pretend to, either. They see the poor as the bane of their existence and blame them for living off the taxes of the rich. They see liberals as masochistic softies who accept people’s Pirate King requests. Favorite pass times include drinking the blood and sweat of the poor and accepting dowry from the parents of a child bride. Battle cry
: Greed is good. Allies
: Industrialists, media houses and trolls. Pet Peeves
: Death, taxes, prohibition and feminism. Favorite rant
: 150 rupee ka ek beer?! Bh****d aag lage is sarkar ko! Caption:
I’m pro choice. I make the choice for everyone.
3. The angry feminist
The angry feminists come in all ages. They are also educated, some would say a bit too much. They subscribe to a well meaning agenda that has been supremely corrupted in recent times. The modern angry feminist is actually a female supremacist. They too want equality, and they want it by subjugating men. They see men as the cause of all evil in the world, and justify this statement by saying both Candy Crush and Pirate Kings were developed by men. They love making every single issue on the planet about gender and will find a way to blame said issue on chauvinism. They would not hesitate in believing that men are responsible for global warming because they fart more than women. Favorite pass times include not making sandwiches, not doing their bit and driving terribly. Battle cry
: Justice! Equality! 33% reservation in the Parliament and half the seats in public transport! Allies
: Liberals and, uh…no one. Pet Peeves
: Male infanticide, fratricide and bobbitisation. Favorite rant
: These men no, they are like this only. Caption
: Mah lyf Mah rules. Your life, f**k it.
4. The angry communist and the equally angry anarchist
Both of these have one dream. To restore to the world, archaic social systems that have historically been proven to fail spectacularly. They blame modern social systems for all that is wrong with the world and once again justify their claims by saying their own systems wouldn’t have allowed the development of Candy Crush OR Pirate Kings. They don’t let petty things such as empirical evidence and scientific theories deter them from their belief that Communism and Anarchy are the only ways to restore order in the world. They have often been sighted arguing on behalf of North Korea and the Kims, all the while playing Hell in a Cell in a WWE game on their Playstations to simulate anarchy. Favorite pastimes include supporting the anti-vaccination movement and writing articles on the moon landing being a scam. Battle cry
: Survival of the proletariat! Oh wait… Allies
: Two dogs, a cat, and a pig from Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’.
: The Establishment. The Human. The Modern World. Favorite rant
: ……………… (nobody knows because nobody really listens to them) Caption
: Kim Possible was named after me. Didn’t you know?
5. The troll
Once again, young, educated and with more time on their hands than any normal person should possess, the trolls wreak havoc everywhere they go. They see internet debates as supremely nonsensical and take it upon themselves to debase them in every way possible. They love baiting, goading and meme generators. They respect no one and hate everyone equally. The sole objective of their disruption is causing pure, vehement chaos. Favorite pastimes include posting photos of slaughtered cows on the PETA page and photoshopping bunny ears on world leaders. If you encounter one, STAY AWAY. As the old internet adage goes, “Never feed the trolls.” Battle cry
: I can have lulz Allies
: Nobody, and they could not care less. Pet Peeves
: People taking everything too seriously. Favorite rant:
Trolls never rant. They make people rant. Caption
: Seen above: Your average troll commenting on a serious debate
- Indian trolls
6. The voice of reason
They are mild-mannered, moderate pacifists who try to pour oil on troubled waters by moderating all the extreme stands that we saw above. They usually possess the most sensible opinions about any issue, but people prefer playing Candy Crush and Pirate Kings instead of actually listening. They are usually attacked by the extreme voices in the argument for being too moderate. They possess the unique ability to unite warring factions, if only to come together and piss on the voice of reason. Favorite pastimes include preaching Ahimsa and offering turn-cheek services for those involved in violence. Battle cry
: (beaten into submission before one could be uttered) Allies
: (none found, everyone too busy beating on them) Pet Peeves
: (too meek to utter) Favorite rant
: (nobody cares, too busy being extremist) Caption:
Not seen in the image: Vicious beatdown administered after the first line
7. Subramanian Swamy
There are extremists. Then there are moderates. There are feminists. And then, there’s Subramanian Swamy. Because when all else fails, there’s always Shankhnaad. Battle Cry:
You. And you. And you. Basically, everyone, eff off. Allies:
RSS, BJP, and the samasta
troll parivar Pet Peeves:
Anyone whose name is not Subramanian Swamy Favorite rant
: Dei Murugan! What are they saying about this troll Facebook page? Caption: Whatchu gonna do about it?
The online space is awesome when it comes to whiling away half your life arguing things that you neither preach nor whole heartedly indulge in. And we are all guilty of having participated in such – whether it is about the economy of the country or that bitch who is interested in your gf/bf. So, tell us, which of these kinds are you?