I’ll be turning 30 this year, and I know I’ve been dealing with it for over 10-12 years, maybe even 15, but I never really knew what it was. I finally went to somebody a few months ago and she sort of helped me out. I think it’s important for everybody to get themselves checked – mental health is something that’s very important. Anxiety has been a big problem for me, but I think my biggest struggle has been depression. For me, my depression doesn’t revolve around my work, it revolves around me personally. What’s weird is that I’m not insecure about work, so when people ask me ‘are you competitive?’ I say no. If someone’s better than me, they’re going to do better, it’s as simple as that. If I’m good, I’ll get successful to a certain extent. I believe you’ll get to where you deserve.
I have really emotional moments and it’s something I only realized recently. I’d wake up sometimes and I’d just cry, and I’m thinking of the most hopeless scenarios, and then I’m like ‘why am I thinking about that?’ There’s one voice in my head saying ‘you’re being stupid, you don’t have to be so upset about it, you have a great life’ and then the other part is like ‘no, you’ve got this not working for you, you’ve got that not working for you.’ So it’s just two little voices in my head fighting each other constantly, and it can be really bad. If I can be completely honest with you, I had a really shit day today. I woke up and I was feeling shitty, and I didn’t know what to do, and I sent [a friend] a message saying ‘I really need a friend, can I call you?’ She was at work, but she thankfully answered the phone and spoke to me for an hour, then I told her I have to go get ready because I’m going to be live on camera in like 2 hours.
I think it’s that weird thing where you’ve got to tell yourself stop being a baby, toughen up – but then there’s that other part where you’re being you, you’re being a human being. You’re allowed to be flawed, you’re allowed to be in pieces sometimes.
Apparently, I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I didn’t know that. When I told my therapist, she was like ‘what’, and then she said, hang on, I think you have this thing – and then I googled it and I said ‘makes sense.’ You get fixated on one body part, and you’re just obsessed with how much you don’t like it. That’s pretty much it for me. But I’ve reached a point where it’s like – I mean, it’s who I am. The people you see on magazine covers, they’re touched up, slimmed down, covered up. And there’s no such thing as a perfect body type – they go on about how the hourglass is the perfect body type, then the next year it’ll be the athletic type. What are you going to do, change your body type every year? Just be happy, be healthy.