As my pondering eyes open themselves to the world with the first ray of sun, the stillness of the mind gets disturbed and the unsettled thoughts speak to me, rather motivate me:
‘Be strong because the world is a bit*h. Be smart because people will try to fool you. Don’t open your heart because it might get hurt. Don’t be crazy because people will misunderstand you. Don’t act mad because you will be judged.’
Then, as I lit up my second cigarette, my heart, a late-bloomer, masked my thoughts and said:
‘Fu*k the gyaan and just be yourself’.
Who am I really?
I asked this million-dollar question a zillion times but nobody ever warned that the answer won’t come in a day or in a moment, it would be a tedious journey suffused with pain and tears. My journey started too soon and I suffered because I was unprepared.
As a dreamy child, I intelligently observed my classmates and could easily figure out who they were. Some were nerds. Some introverts. Some extroverts. Some ambiverts. Some witty. Some too-shy to be noticed. Some solid-silent types. Nobody was confused about themselves except me because they were unconsciously going with the flow. Hence, just to find myself, I tried to be an extrovert one day, next day an introvert and somedays, I was just wild as hell.
Each night I slept with a unsatisfied heart because I was blessed to be anyone but not me. Was it going to last forever?
As I hit my teens, frustration accumulated and on one ordinary day (rather I would say extraordinary ), I decided to detach all the behavior that my parents directed at me, like – Be nice, Be good, Be decent in public, Don’t be angry, Talk politely and the most famous: Pagal mat baan. Pagal hai to kya hua? How can the world decide how I should be?
The rule book to be this and that refrained me from all the possibilities to explore myself. On that day, I burned the book and the ashes flew with freedom.
My mind no more conspired to act in a certain way, giving me the carefree breath of reacting the way I wanted.
This was my first step to be me.
I found myself in a crowd, not by being alone.
Loneliness never really worked for me. It further pushed me into those mysterious depths of solitude which forced me to overthink life. It’s the people that fascinated me the most.
My individuality became more visible, insecurities evaporated when people surrounded me. The natural excitement to connect, entertain, laugh, express and live the moment with them completed me. And I knew, I was born for the people. I could gel with any person on this planet unconditionally and this divine connect was the gift I cherished. I, mischievously crazy, was living to entertain the crowd and soon, my extrovertedness blended with my creative talent: writing.
To know yourself more profoundly, one needs a woman.
Women – the most unpredictable creatures on this planet and their femininity being so powerful, the more I tried to know them, the more things I learnt about myself.
I could fake myself with anyone but not when I was with a woman.
I lost the pressure to be liked.
All I could do was to pour out my purest form of me to people and became unapologetic for hurting anyone unknowingly because how can I sorry for who I am?
I see no other way to be.
They say, ‘Love yourself’ is a very subjective term. I don’t buy it. If you still sleep with a feeling of liking someone else’s personality more than yourself, then there is something in you that needs a makeover.
They are people who accept themselves and then, there are others, who change themselves to be exactly the way their heart wants them to be.
Well, this was just a short article about my journey. But my journey is mine. Yours will be different. It doesn’t matter how the journey is if it fulfils you in the end.